Reflections

 

Here I am at Heathrow, en route (well, hopefully) to Belfast. When I decided to continue my Atlantic Thread journey, I envisaged short stages in breaks from a settled existence in London. But in fact, the Explorer in me took action. I had started a journey, because I must have needed a journey, and I haven't stopped moving since I left for Knock at the end of May. I didn't go back to stay at the place I left from, or to the person I've lived with for 2 years. This is not a wholly unexpected turn of events. It's been a lot. But also, a lot of adventures. The searing summer of 26...

One of my fave Roll Deep tracks, Celebrate, begins with a list of postcodes. It sounds like my routine. If I didn't do stitches and constantly listen to music on the bus and train- I'm often carrying more baggage than I've brought with me today on a 5 day trip, so I can't ride my clockwork horse all the time- I might find it exhausting. Sometimes it's been a pain, but mostly exhilerating. I've had phases in my life of not being able to do public transport, public spaces. CBT (both kinds) can be very effective. Now I'm often so backstage I sometimes find myself stimming away at the back of the bus. No one seems to care and maybe that's because I don't. I don't have time to mask any more- wherever I am. Right now I'm transient- no place is home, my body is the home of my spirit, so fidget and dance away as needed.

I'm still not convinced that I will be allowed into Belfast, as packing was counterintuitive- I'm a medical user now, so my weed is clearly labelled in my hand luggage- I have my card and prescription to show. My bag just came out of the scanner and straight to me. I was so shocked I had to eat a whole mint chocolate orange. It's 8.30 am. Am still half expecting the whole RUC to be waiting for me. But am not feeling travel anxiety otherwise. It was helpful to have a vape outside the airport. I get that many of you do not get this. That would be why I have a prescription and you don't. At this journey stage, I would normally be hiding from the overwhelm in the Prayer Room. I might go there now to meditate. But because I would like to, not because I desperately need to. 

The music reference is significant. I've gone back to listening to early grime, it's been empowering. I haven't stood up for myself in life, until people pushed me 2 far. I've been hammered down- that's just a fact. A fact about the past. Revenge doesn't motivate me, but freedom does and I took it back. A little thanks to Wiley, Flowdan and Scratchy is due. I'm not too proud to listen to the advice of younger men. I found some strength in the Animus. I was a big junglist- pirate radio every waking hour in the mid 90s, and I've always loved the energy- and the sociology- of ragga and hiphop. I liked the way speed garage made me move but I didn't want to wear boring clothes to a rave. Grime brought all this together, and with no language barrier- these are the heirs to Ian Dury after all. I wasn't there at the start, I was treddin my own thin ice in 2003 in hospital and recovering from PCP. As time went by, it was heartbreaking to see another community where young men were losing their friends, and when bad stuff happened, the police would only make everything worse for them. Suspicion and blame came ahead of support.

I've yet to meet gay friends who share my enjoyment. We tend to outsource strength and pride to strong female artists. Bravado and competitiveness are shown by men in drag. Does it take us into uncomfortable territory to show these traits in male attire? Cos we're against the patriarchy, right? And 'nonstop gash, penetrate that' is just so misogynistic, right? Or is it a fair summary of your last big weekend? Are the power relations of our merry go round always equal, just because everyone's male? Lady Leshurr was the first artist I got into- from seeing her live in a small side street in Brixton. She blew me away. But maybe it's also for the reasons above- pride more familiar and acceptable in female guise. And then I started listening to the men, and I heard vulnerability, honesty and wisdom. Back then there was all this talk about men's mental health and the silent killer. Well a lot of men were talking about it. But this country doesn't listen to hoodies- that's a hundreds-year-old tradition. In contrast, this country was listening to [rhymes with UK garage] giving the least empowering message ever:  'You've lost control and you need to be saved' What???? We're all the poorer for it now. Must be time to steal from the rich? 

I spent a lot of summertime reflecting, while moving. Not a coincidence really. I like to move, that's when/where and how I process. Much of it about Ireland, me, destiny, belonging. It'll come out in this trip. For now, I'm in lovely Belfast. 'A little bit of William, that's what you require' (but not too much mate)

Billy xx